Today, I remember being a bride. Like many young brides, I’d planned the perfect day which of course included the perfect version of me. Life keeps changing, princess to bride to young mum, to superhero to middle age. The changes physical, emotional and mental can be confronting. At times we don’t recognise ourselves.
I’m getting older. No doubt about it. Ageing and wisdom are by no means synonymous. Why? In our material world, got to love that we even write songs about that theme, we crave youth and perfection. We want symmetry. We crave the golden ratio! Does it define beauty?
Today, I tried to blog. The words refused to flow, so I sat with it. This is what happened.
Nature inspires me. I thought of my daughter and her determination to see the Fig Trees yesterday. I love her for that, her spontaneity and love of nature’s gifts. A Queenslander to the core, I wrote about these iconic trees: a metaphor.
The Moreton Bay Fig
before we are conceived
there is potential
leaves an infinite array on a great tree
Is it necessary to hit rock bottom?
Pain it seems is an effective teacher because it makes life intolerable. It interferes with joy and peace. Being overwhelmed kept me trapped in a bad situation. I’ve often been asked, ‘How did you stop doing that?’
I believe that fight and flight also governs our response to strong emotions. Some people come back at the person/ situation enraged; words or fists flying. Others don’t.
Are you someone who simply runs away? For me it’s easier. Either physically creating distance, emotionally by shutting down or psychologically dulling reality. I’d like to share my discovery of running away.
Touching the Darkness
outside in the chilly air
the gong chimes
I remember I’m not in my bed
School holidays, a whirl wind time for any parent but my children have flown the coop. Two weeks of memories, emotional provocation food for the shadow. Would it stay away this time? So far, so good.
Friday night, movie night, Netflix, who’s watching, arrow up, arrow down, arrow left, because you liked… My partner had the remote in hand, a boy thing. I stood in the kitchen thinking about a glass of red and eating a date. New releases, how about ‘To The Bone?’ Inwardly groaning, I agreed.
A difficult decision had come to fruition, I’d sold a dream I’d created, the family had grown up. Stress, anxiety, overwhelm… Life gave me lemons but I struggled with the recipe for lemonade. Change still tasted a tad sour.
My feelings took me back to when I was fourteen.
Sometimes the words pour out of me, sometimes they don’t. There’s a lot more to the craft of writing than I had ever expected. Everyday I learn something new. As I find my way, I realise I’m reaching into the realm of the infinite.
Writing is like golf, deceptively easy on the surface.