I consider myself recovered. But some days a small voice nags. It is still there lurking in the background. Weird things seem to trigger it, but most centre around a central theme: authenticity. I used to feel separate, Anorexia does that. It cuts you off.
Challenges are a gift. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes life gets me down and I struggle to see the positive. But at those moments that I feel the most disconnected, I’m again honouring the inauthentic in my life. In a world dripping expectations, remaining true to oneself can be quite a challenge. I’m not ashamed to admit, I spent a good deal of my life chasing rainbows.
The Grail: Me
All seems well
Until the nagging voice
Takes a step back into the limelight
Never intending distress
Tactfully cutting and dividing
Illicitly sharing my inner world
Careless with my feelings
Incessant and demanding
Taking me from
Yearnings of self-awareness
Authenticity was thwarted by my bad habits, running away, chasing shiny glittery things, giving away my power … cut and divide … fragment and disassociate. The inner world is a vast space and it’s easy to get lost in there. I didn’t share my inner world with others. It’s was difficult to trust someone with my distorted thoughts and feelings. What if I was judged? So I muddled along getting more lost or less lost, until I ran out of steam. I believe getting to know myself again and establishing respect, love and compassion for the person, I’d scattered to the wind was pivotal to my recovery.
If you need help with an eating disorder, make a call:
- Eating Disorders Victoria 1300 550 236
- The Butterfly Foundation 1800 33 4673
- National Eating Disorders Collaboration 1800 33 4673
- Lifeline on 13 11 14
- Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800