Have you ever felt your back up against the wall, repetitive and intolerable situations pressing you tighter into the corner? My life has been a series of micro-deaths, traditions, observances and people. But I keep trying to fix whatever is broken. I’m looking at the finger not what it’s pointing at.
The crazy reality is:
- It’s okay to stop
- It’s okay to grieve for losses
- And the confusion transforms in time into clarity
Moot point: If you let it.
When ever I hit a wall, the result is crushing fatigue. My knees wobble and I wonder if they will hold me up. I get fretty, anxious over little things and overwhelmed by the inbox. The hardest thing to reconcile is that obviously, I’ve been moving in the wrong direction. I hate getting things wrong.
There’s a lot of unspoken dialogue:
- My body screams, ‘Take better care of me.’
- My emotions demand, ‘Accept me as I am.’
- And my mind says, ‘Give me a break.’
The slippery slope looms just millimetres away. It offers help, well-worn behaviours of dubious worth; complaining, coffee, alcohol, food … Escapism … But these saboteurs only keep me engaged with the mess. They bind me with cords of guilt and shame. I find it hard to be with myself when I’m unrecognisable. I’m a blend of past achievements and shards of disappointment. The world sees me differently; a beautiful, educated and capable woman. The facade is crumbling under the acid rain of self-doubt.
I used to get sick. It seemed to be the only way I could give myself time. Now I’m recognising the pattern. So I STOP. I heed the warning. Giving myself permission to take time for my healing has been very difficult to do. So I:
- Drink plenty of water
- Choose healthy food options
- Visit my happy place
My happy place is somewhere green, soft and nurturing. For you it may be the sea, fishing, at the park, anywhere where you exhale deeply and your woes slip from your shoulders. And it’s on tap 24/7, it lives in your imagination!
I’ve discovered that it is okay to be human and I’m beginning to treat myself with love and care. I watch mothers with their babes. They demonstrate unconditional love so effortlessly. As I lost touch with myself, I began to believe some pretty crazy things. I felt I deserved punishment if I made a mistake. I thought, I didn’t matter and I wasn’t good enough. I began to treat myself harshly setting the bar low and making it acceptable for others to give me their part-time love.
If you are at the point of no return, I urge you to give yourself time. Get your feet back on the ground and patiently rekindle the dying flame of self-love. Begin with small things, enjoy receiving sitting with the resistance. Recognise your personal saboteur. This is the beginning of re-establishing a healthy relationship with yourself.
Remember, you are enough.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments or suggestions.