31.12.2017! Really? Another year is nearly over, but in my mind I’m still somewhere in mid-December. I’ve moved from a family which enjoyed New Year into one which doesn’t really give a hoot. New Year is about turning the page, about new beginning and promises. It’s a mixed blessing with its crowds, booze and terrorist potential.
Christmas, family, food, gifts, weird things, fake smiles, sought after assurances, left overs, wilting berries on a Pavlova. Boxing Day, fatigue, new toys, drones crashing, ‘L’ plates, guilt, overeating, friends, sharing, bubbles. Grey days, in between days, time off, every ones off, red and white sale signs, hectic advertising, commercialism drumming up want, endless decanting of food into smaller containers. NYE, preening and pruning, reflecting and wondering, excitement and dread. No where to go, endless promises, new beginnings doorways to a happier life. Choices: some informed some not.
Promises to lose weight.
Promises to get healthy.
Promises to become vegetarian.
Promises to work less and play more.
Promises to give up drinking.
Promises to spend more time with the kids.
Promises to change.
I’ve had a dodgy relationship with myself. And every new year I set a new goal. St.George I set out to slay my own dragons. I beleived that we have to fight things, cancer, injustice gender inequality. If I fought hard enough, I’d win. I’d feel happy, peaceful and fulfilled. But I just felt tired. Fighting: winners and Losers. Competition: winners and losers. Relationships: winners and losers.
Really? Or is just losers?
For years, I’ve been trimming my self, silencing my voice, living my life through the expectations of others and wondering why I couldn’t find peace. I learned a lot about myself. I found out what I didn’t like and I found out what didn’t work for me as a person, someone of worth. That’s how it all began, the mysterious unfurling of my relationship with myself. I’m now on the path to self-love.
I’m writing my way through the madness many of us live daily.
I wish you:
- time to stop
- courage to question
- persistence to delve
- softness with your feelings
- and self acceptance