Courage and the Fool

This week passed by so quickly, I thought I might have dreamt it. My reality markers confirmed that I’d lived it: a whirlwind week recorded in my iPhone diary.

It’s been good. After silently working on my dreams and aspirations, I almost gave up, the struggle within wearing me out. Truth didn’t equal reality. Stuck and uncertain, dark glasses blinded me. Time to stop fighting .


I’d been crunching through some big issues. Most of them involved attitude. Do you remember being a child and trying to walk along a high wall? You know that you can do it, not a doubt in your mind, until … ‘Take care, that’s really high.’ Suddenly doubt is there with you, playing with your ankles making them wobble a little. The ground under your feet seems uncertain now. Maybe you’ll fall.

New ventures are like that. I find people generally fall into two categories:

  • Doers
  • Doubters

Doers are those brash types who jump head long into the unknown. They believe in sink or swim and often finding themselves sinking, so learn to swim really fast. Doubters find reasons not to, investigating numerous paths often ending up like that ball of string in the bottom drawer, the one the middle fell out of years ago.

I’m not a fan of failure. Meticulous by nature, I like to see things finished. Unfinished business gets into my head like a worm in an apple, eating away at my inner peace. I jump. Like the fool card in the tarot, I don’t find making the decision to change direction hard. To me it is an exciting time of tremendous potential, the rush of the unknown.

This honeymoon time ends. Some days later, I wake at 2.00 a.m. a little breathless with a single thought knocking loudly in my dream space. I fight with it and its friends come along offering support. Suddenly that single thought has multiplied, transfigured and grown. I listen to the hallway clock chime, 2.30, 3.00, 3.30 … In the pre-dawn hours my fatigue wins, my fitful sleep interrupted by an early alarm shrieking and a hangover-style headache.

Staying in bed is futile.

Coffee in hand I grab a piece of paper and purge. The ‘to do,’ list grows like a time-lapse photo of a baking cookie. It’s a weird thing as the list grows my anxiety shrinks. I eat well, a big breakfast and begin confronting the unknown. I tick. Nothing as satisfying as a good tick, another task done.

The day spirals, warped passages of frustration and success. Some things are easy leaving me wondering why I feared them in the first place. Others pose challenges. This week I have overcome myself and moved forward. I’ve tried new things, met new people and even played with some new technology.

It’s been good and as I advance more opportunities are coming my way. Are you a doer or doubter? How do you overcome the inner saboteur?


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