Last week I retired from my professional career. Like all change it left me torn, wonder and expectation tussled with emptiness and dare I say it, fear. For so long the role of physiotherapist clothed me. It gave me something, some one to be.
I see myself a s a story teller, my head full of quirky tales amassed over the decades. I want to release them and free myself, creating space for the new to enter. So having written Schicksal, I felt pretty chuffed. Little did I know I stood on the top of the slippery slope.
I had dreams; big ones, bold, at times unrealistic but clear, or so I thought. Easy. I just wanted to be an internationally acclaimed author. Now what’s wrong with that? Dream Big, that’s what all those feel good, new age sites advise, isn’t it?
I dreamed but in the dark corners of my consciousness lay the seed of doubt. A virus so contagious and dangerous that it slowly unpicked my resolve. I had visualized, efforted and tried. Despite my efforts, I swam around in the soup of uncertainty.
It felt odd. Unsettling.
So I thought about it a bit more! Something inside me screamed out, take two weeks off; chill.
I gave into it. Fatigue pushing me over the line.
This week I turned my talents to the garden; pruning, planting, weeding and all other …..ing words related to gardening. I fixed things, those little things we look at each day, that raise our hackles yet remain undone.
I rattled around in the shed among the paint cans. I found things long forgotten, covered in dust.
Unconsciously something transformed inside me. I revisited my attempts at being an author. I looked them fair in the face. Mmmmm. Subtly I re-charted my course, pressing the reset button. Slowly clarity dawned. My new path unfolds before me revealing itself out of the mist of my muddle-headednesss.
I am keeping it simple:
- I smile at everyone I meet
- Seek only joy
- Write for pleasure
- Acknowledge my wisdom
- Nurture nature
This is week one of my holiday at home with me. Next week I will blog again. Why not share your insights. I’d love to hear your thoughts.